Don't Even Think About It

For some reason, people enjoy angering me. I am not sure if this is because they think it's funny to see me mad or because they just don't know what pushes my buttons. I can't do anything about the cruel, inhumane people who like to piss me off for fun, but I can help out those of you who don't know the things that make me tick. Therefore, I have compiled a list of things you should never do or say around me. Unfortunately, I could only come up with 8 good things to write about, so instead of a "top ten" list, it's a "top eight" list. What can I say? It's usually pretty easy to please me. Enjoy.

8. Do not jokingly pick a fight with me unless you want to get your ass kicked. If you want to "play" fight, I'm not the person to ask. When I fight, I fight dirty. I don't do the typical girl moves of scratching and pulling hair. I punch, chokehold, and bite, much like Mike Tyson.

7. If you tell me that you're going to call, I expect you to call. You may think that this is silly talk, but I expect a lot less out of you when you don't tell me your intentions. To be safe, don't tell me that you'll call. Just randomly do it. That way it's a surprise and I feel special.

6. I never claimed to be a genius, but I can pretty much tell when I'm being used simply for the benefit of a male. Don't do this. Yeah, I know I'm fun to fool around with (sorry Mom, but it's true) and you just can't help yourself. However, I'm worth more than that. If you're going to want to get naked and play but not try to develop a relationship with me, it's going to cost you. My going rate is $150 per hour (for the bare minimum), and I'm damn well worth it.

5. This rule should be used when around any female: do not tell us when we look like crap. Chances are high that we are already aware that we are not at our prettiest and we probably are a little self-conscious about it. Don't make it worse by pointing it out, or I'll have to resort to making fun of the size of your penis.
4. Yes, mosquitoes don't treat me kindly. And yes, I have scars to prove it. Please do not gawk or make fun of the scars. I will probably punch you.

3. I have a candy drawer. My candy drawer is filled with goodies. This sacred land of sugar-filled goodness is mine. Do not steal from the candy drawer, ever. You may eat something from the drawer if it is offered to you. However, just because I offer once does not give you free reign to take something from the drawer on any subsequent occasion. I am very possessive of my candy.

2. Boobs are basically blobs of fat. Unfortunately, my blobs of fat are fairly non-existent. I am self-conscious about the fact that a 10 year old boy's chest could rival mine, therefore, leave my boobs alone. Just don't touch them. Don't try to tell me that they're not that small. I'm not stupid. Besides, boobs are for babies to drink from anyway, not guys.

1. NEVER, under ANY circumstances, should you try to insert ANYTHING into the "exit hole". First of all, it's highly unsanitary and incredibly revolting. Secondly, it's not a pleasing feeling for females. We do not have a g-spot in our rectums. Lastly, any male who enjoys doing this is selfish, because it only feels good to him. Do you really want to be known as a selfish, dirty pervert who likes to inflict pain? I hope not.