Why I Hate the Book: He's Just Not That Into You
I talked with my ex-boyfriend on the phone today and our conversation was about our current relationships (or lack thereof). Not only did I really enjoy talking about his current girlfriend, who happens to be the girl he left me for, I also loved the fact that he could state a laundry list of reasons why I have extraordinary trouble getting and/or keeping a man. It reminded of a book that one of my good friends recommended that I read: He's Just Not That Into You. She had read the book already and found it so informative that she thought it may help me understand my issues with men. In general, although the book did have many good points, it tainted my view of relationships. It made me feel as if there are only 10 guys in the whole world worth dating, and my chances of finding one of those ten is close to zero. I would just like to share a few specific reasons that I hate this book.
Chapter 1: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Not Asking You Out
Since when does a guy always have to do the asking? We live in the 21st century. Gone are the days of chivalry and exclusively male-driven societies. Women have more of a voice than ever before. Now you're telling us that if we like a guy, we're not allowed to say anything? We have to wait for him to ask us out before we know if he likes us? If I didn't magically grow balls every once in a while and ask a guy out, I would never have gone on 90% of the dates that I've had. I guess the lesson here is that I'm a big idiot and all of those guys never liked me enough to ask me out. They just accepted my offer because they didn't want to hurt my feelings.
Chapter 2: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Not Calling You
Yes, I know. Men know how to use the phone. However, if he isn't calling me, does that automatically mean that he doesn't like me? People have lives outside of dating. Although I don't like to make excuses for guys, they do tend to get caught up in inane tasks. They don't always have their mind on girls. Also, what guy likes to be roped into talking to a girl on the phone for hours on end? Most girls I know can spend upwards of 3-4 hours talking on the phone about God knows what. Guys know this. Maybe the reason they don't call is because they don't want to listen to the girl talk about how she got her nails done and then broke one when she was curling her hair and that ruined her whole day. Am I wrong?
Chapter 3: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Not Dating You
Well shit. Again, there are so many reasons why a guy wouldn't want to be in a relationship. Girls have reasons too! I could turn it around and say that just because I wasn't in a relationship with someone doesn't mean that I don't like him. Maybe I don't feel like I could give him the time that he deserves. Maybe I want to develop a friendship first, since that's what all good relationships should be built on anyway. Who knows?
Chapter 4: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Not Having Sex With You
Okay, for the most part, I understand this one. If a guy likes you, he'll want to have sex. However, if a guy doesn't like you, he'll still probably want to have sex with you. Hmmm...
Chapter 5: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Having Sex With Someone Else
Yeah, I get this one too. Guys are pigs.
Chapter 6: He's Just Not That Into You if He Only Wants to See You When He's Drunk
All of us girls should know that a call from a drunken male means one thing: he's looking for a booty call. However, if you're in college and are busy throughout the week, usually the only time to hang out with a guy is on the weekends. This is when all of the partying and bar hopping takes place. Does that mean that he doesn't like you if that's when you're hanging out?
Chapter 7: He's Just Not That Into You if He Doesn't Want to Marry You
Okay, I'm 22 years old. If a guy doesn't want to marry me right now, that's probably a good thing. I think this chapter only applies to the older subset of women that have read this book.
Chapter 8: He's Just Not That Into You if He's Breaking Up With You
No shit. Guys are a-holes.
Generically, I'd also like to say that all throughout the book, the author (a male) kept saying that it's his stupid fault for not being into you. You're beautiful, worthy, smart, and nice. This pisses me off. How the hell do you know? I could be a saggy, old, drunken hag that dropped out of junior high and likes to throw things at the neighborhood kids. Quit telling me that I'm beautiful and worthy of a good man when you've been telling me all throughout the book that all of the other men I've dated really haven't given a shit about me. In trying to make me feel better after you've completely deteriorated my self-confidence, you really just made me mad.
Basically this book tells me to sit back and wait for the right man to come to me. Don't make any effort on my own. I'm sorry, but I'm not the type of person to wait for good things to happen. If I want something, I make every effort to go out and get it. Maybe at first glance, a guy wouldn't ask me out on a date. I've accepted that. However, we all know that personality makes someone more attractive. How am I to know that a guy who normally wouldn't give me a second look wouldn't have a great time with me and would come to like me? One day at work, a guy that I really didn't pay too much attention to asked me out. I figured that it would be harmless so I accepted. I came to think that he would be the person I would marry. (Why that didn't work out is another story...)
I hate feeling like everything I do is a deterrant to the male species. However, with my recent track record, I'm starting to think that this is a strong possibility. Maybe my next course of action is to become the complete opposite of what I am now. Maybe a loud-mouthed, materialistic, promiscuous whore is what the guys are looking for. I feel an experiment coming on...
posted by Sarah @ 9:16 PM
1 comments
1 Comments:
my cousin recently referred me to a similar book about women; it tried to focus on solutions for guys who have difficulty meeting women--or more specifically--the women they would like to meet, even if that woman is typically 'far out of his league'. and while my personal success (or lack thereof) with meeting or retaining a woman is another story and beside the point, being the nerd i am makes textbooks and their like an appealing read :-P
the book examines certain traits that (it says) most or all women exhibit, as if it's innately present because of both x chromosomes, and then puts some psychology and logic that mean to help a guy along (thinking about it now, i have to wonder if that second, long x chromosome instead of us guys' shorter y is what makes the difference in mental complexity ;). anyway, the author was not a doctor of any variety, and the generalisations compound my skepticism and incredulity toward validating any of his assertions. of course it doesn't take a doctorate degree to become an expert in human nature; good old trial and error can be an amazingly effect experiment in its own rite.
again i get off course. what i'm getting at is that the short-sighted, stating-the-obvious author of the book you read may have been wrong about a lot of things when cross-examined by your own logic, and while i do completely understand your point and dismay with it, what he stumbles upon in dumb luck and speculation; as someone who might have a clue, i will to plaigarise to say that indeed you are 'beautiful, worthy, smart, and nice' plus all manner of other flattering adjectives. while recognising these things might normally be a part of a healthy self-esteem, and you don't necessarily need the charity of others to reaffirm it; but i do know that it's still nice to hear from someone sincere now and then :)
furthermore, you're completely right about the first chapter, for all the reasons you list. for whatever reason, i tend to be a little shy around a woman that i'm interested in, which can make things extremely difficult to get the ball rolling. i'm sure there are plenty of guys with similar hangups that would happily excise part or all of his manhood just to score a dinner with you, so it's nice to know that in the event he does, at least you occasionally grow the equipment and can proffer instead. we appreciate the opportunity :)
that being said, not all guys need to be the boorish, hyper-assertive, sexual predators to get ahead in the world of dating. in fact, i would be willing to bet few women actually want that.. but of course i'm no expert. lol. what i think your book and the one i read boil down to is that they're both teeming with bullshit; everyone--man or woman--is different, and can't be categorically lumped into this or that bin for easy organisation, and that the real difficulties and problems with not just interpersonal relationships, but also many other things in life, lies in simple communication, which also happens to be the solution, however unattainable it may seem to be at times. your second-to-final paragraph about a gent from work exemplifies this precisely.
speaking of which...you really ought to drop me a line sometime :D
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