Romeo, Romeo...

My parole officer told me that it would be acceptable to write a blog about attracting and keeping a girl in order to fulfill some of my community service hours. I think he really just wants tips, but it still works for me! So here is my best attempt at letting you know what I think a girl would enjoy. You'd think it'd be easy, considering that I am one. Please note that this is not fool-proof. I cannot guarantee that anything I say will work; however, it may be a good start. Ladies, if you have any extra tips, please be sure to add them under the comments folder! Guys need all the help they can get sometimes!

Hygiene

• I can't lie and say that appearance means nothing. We all know that it does. So comb your hair and put minimal gel in it if you must. Try to wear a shirt that doesn't advertise naked wrestling or beer...and if you don't have a shirt that would fit these requirements, maybe you should get one.
• I think I speak for a lot of ladies when I say that we love guys that smell good. Girls rarely can tell what cologne you're wearing just by the smell, but I guarantee you, she will remember the smell.
• If you're one of those guys that isn't great with doing laundry and you're out of clean underwear, it's better to not wear underwear at all than to just flip some dirty underwear inside-out. I know way too many guys that do this.
• Peach fuzz mustaches are not cool. They make you look like a molester with dirt on his upper lip. The end.
• I know it sounds girly, but make sure you clip your fingernails and get the dirt out from underneath them. I'm a sucker for good-looking fingernails.
• Lastly, personal grooming is a good thing. Hopefully that's enough of a clue for you.

Conversation

• I know that it's funny to come up with the best pick-up lines possible when you're around your friends. However, these should not be used outside of your group of friends. I've heard some awful pick-up lines (ex. Do you do crack? or Are you in a gang?) and trust me, they didn't work at all.
• Please do not start a conversation with a girl by saying, "What's a pretty girl like you doing here by herself?" I know you think you're complimenting her, but in actuality, you probably just made her gag.
• I've heard (although I haven't personally experienced this) that when talking to a girl, you should look in her eyes and not at her boobs.
• If you spend all night talking to a girl and don't know a thing about her by the end of the night, you're talking too much. Ask her questions and actually be interested in what she has to say.
• If you get her number at the end of the night, tell her that you'll give her a call in a couple days, and then actually call her in a couple of days. If you have no intention of calling her in the first place, then don't ask for her number.

The First Date

• Make sure that she knows where you're going, or at least knows how dressed up to get. Girls take a long time to get ready and if she kind of knows what to wear, it will be a lot less stressful on her.
• When you pick her up, go knock on her door. Don't sit outside in your car and honk the horn. When she walks out with you to your car, make it a point to open the car door for her. If you want to play the Goodfellas game, that's fine. If you don't know what I'm talking about, it's not a big deal.
• Oh, and that car you're walking out to? Make sure it's halfway clean. Make sure that the front seat is cleaned off for her before she gets out to the car.
• When you get to wherever you're going, hold the door for her. When she walks in, put your hand on her back really quickly as if you're "ushering" her in the door.
• Offer to pay but don't make a big deal out of it if she wants to chip in.
• At the end of the night, you should have a clear idea if she likes you or not. Remember, this is the first date. Be sure to give her a little kiss and let her know you had a good time. Tell her you'll call again if it is your intention, and then actually call her. Many guys have problems with this one.

Keeping her Around

• If there is one thing that I cannot stress enough, it's that the little things count. For instance: one time I went to watch this guy play in a tournament. After he got out of the locker room, he came and sat up next to me in the stands to give me a Diet Coke that he had gotten as part of his team meal because he already had water to drink. Although this seems really simple, it was very sweet for several reasons. First of all, he remembered that I am a fan of Diet Coke. Also, instead of just skipping out on grabbing something to drink because he already had something, he actually thought that I might like something. I know it sounds stupid, but it didn't cost him a thing and I thought he was a doll for doing it.
• Sharing. You learn how to do it in kindergarten and it goes a long way. Share your thoughts, share your favorite activities, share your food. Maybe sharing can cross the line when you start sharing toothbrushes or underwear or something, otherwise it's a good idea.
• Most girls I know like to cuddle. If you don't like to cuddle, remember that there are probably times when she does things that she doesn't like just to please you. Return the favor every once in a while.
• This might be common sense, but try to keep your bodily "music" to yourself unless it's just unavoidable. I don't think most girls are turned on by flatulence or by a guy burping and blowing it in her face.
• If she's really busy and stressed out, give her a call. Say that you know she can't talk long, but you just wanted to let you know you're thinking of her. This one really works.
• I'm speaking for myself here, but I'm guessing a lot of other girls are the same way...we like to wear your old clothes. Why? Because they're big and comfy and they smell like you. If you have shirts that you don't wear anymore, pass them down! (As long as they're not covered in filth or have pit stains, etc.)
• Think of things that you would like for someone to do for you and then do it for her. This does not mean that if you've always wanted to go to a monster truck rally, you should bring her to one. Use your head...the one on your shoulders.

Okay, that's all I have for now. I apologize for not being very creative, but hopefully Officer Steve Grabowski will think enough of it to knock off a few hours. One day, when I'm feeling more clever, I will be sure to add an addendum. In the meantime, take care of yourself, and each other.