Child of the 80s

On my way to the hell-hole that is New Jersey to watch DC and the rest of the Ball State team play volleyball, my friend, George, decided to poke fun at me. We were talking about how I get mad when our volleyball league has games on Wednesday nights because I can't watch America's Next Top Model (yeah, I like it...shut up). He asked why I didn't just TIVO it. Let's see, I'm in med school and can't afford TIVO. The next logical question in George's mind was, "So why don't you DVR it?" Hmmm...no DVR, George. Not to fear though, because I still own a VCR. That's right. A VCR. George took it upon himself to laugh at me for still living in the 80s. After I thought about it for a while, I decided that I wouldn't mind being back in the 80s. This is why:

• 80s movies kicked ass. Raiders of the Lost Ark, Gremlins, The Goonies, Top Gun, Ferris Bueller's Day Off, Dirty Dancing, and The Little Mermaid all came out in the 80s.
• 80s rappers weren't shot by each other. They still wrote wholesome songs about how it's tricky to rhyme, how parents just don't understand (although that technically came out in 1990), and how joy and pain are like sunshine and rain. It wasn't just rap that was good. The 80s was the time when Mariah Carey still wore normal clothing, Madonna's songs were actually good, Prince was still Prince, and even though George Michael wore incredibly short shorts while touring with Wham, we all thought it was normal and such a handsome man couldn't possibly be gay. Oh, to be naive again...
• Cartoons kicked ass in the 80s. She-Ra was my hero and I still secretly wish that I could be her, the Princess of Power. You could wake up on Saturday mornings and watch Bozo the Clown, He-Man, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Heathcliff, Inspector Gadget, and the Wuzzles. Then there was always the Transformers, Rainbow Brite, the Smurfs, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Jem, and Punky Brewster. Don't forget that the wonder that is The Simpsons first started in 1989.
• Possibly the best thing about the 80s is that to have a bad hair day would be to have a good hair day. Nobody knew the difference. The worse your hair looked, the cooler you were.
• If I were back in the 80s, I would have an excuse to wear spandex shorts all of the time, instead of just at volleyball. Let's face it...those things are hella comfortable.
• Besides being comfortable in spandex, I could also fill my dresser back up with Zubaz. How sweet were those things? Seriously, you could find them in any color so that you could match anything! Hot pink and black tiger striped Zubaz with a green hypercolor shirt = awesome.
• Atari controllers only had 1 button. You didn't have to be a genius to figure out how to use it. Nowadays, controllers have 8 billion different buttons with different shapes and shit. It's too much to handle.
• If I currently had a job, and it were the 80s, I could go to work with a My Little Pony lunchbox and thermos and I would eat Cheese and Crackers snack packs every day.
• Michael Jackson would still be black and sweet ass.
• I could still watch Miami Vice and it would still be cool for guys to wear white leisure suits with pink shirts underneath them.
• Insults could be less violent...I could go back to saying, "Ugh, gag me with a spoon."
• Instead of riding the subway around Manhattan, I would ride my Big Wheel. I would probably get wherever I was going faster that way too.

See, the 80s were cool. You know you rocked the mullet and wore bangle bracelets up to your elbow.